This will probably not be uplifting

I have not written in a while- for two reason, I believe. One- I have no time. Two- I have not had a lot of positive things to say. I try very hard to portray myself as optimistic on here because I do not want to shed negative light on my school in any way and because I know I am very blessed to be here.

I do not want to come across as ungrateful brat. I am so thankful to be here, and I know God led me here. But I have never felt more defeated and incapable than I do in medical school. I cannot pass a quiz regardless of how much I study. I don't know how to make this information stay in my brain. I don't know that I have ever felt more discouraged in my education. I realize that this is medical school and I should have expected this. That does absolutely nothing for how hopeless I feel some days. I have no idea what to do differently.

At church today we had an incredible sermon on submitting your emotions to what Jesus days about us. It is so difficult to hear what Jesus says about med school when you are failing everything. In the meantime, what am I to do with these emotions? Submission seems like a spiritual version of ignoring emotions, and that doesn't usually end well.

I apologize for the negativity. I need prayer. for perseverence. for energy. for focus. for memory. for guidance in studying.

13 Hours

We had our first exam today. Wow. I have concluded that I must redefine what "feeling good about a test" means. I love the material we are learning, but it as a lot. I heard that as a uniform consensus among med students before I started med school. They knew what they were talking about :)

Our tests are completely on the computer. That will take some getting used to. All of our questions are Board style questions. Every question we will ever see in our tests and quizzes will be Board-style. This also requires adjustment from us. However, I am very thankful that our school is striving to prepare us for the tests we will see years from now. So with all that said, these tests are different from anything I have ever taken, but I know this is a necessary adjustment. Better now than too late.

So yesterday I spent 13 hours in a lecture room at school- studying- hard. This is the road I have chosen :) It's not that bad. It just makes me tired. Now I am laying in bed listening to the presidential debate. I am getting caught up on TV shows. Going out with the girls to get chocolate fondue tonight. It's going to be good.

Tomorrow I have a 12hour EMT shift. 6:30am-6:30pm. Let me tell you, adjusting from studying and test taking to providing acute health care is not easy. But again, my medical school is awesome and they are requiring that of us. We will figure it out. It keeps us human, you know? Tomorrow I may be holding someone's hand, doing chest compressions, or taking a BP. Who knows. But that's why I'm here- to learn how to take care of people wherever they are.

Well it's movie time. That's all for now :)